Sad to say I chose to end my long Marriage of 30 years, to the Man I believed
was my life partner on Gods green Earth. It was a long time coming and I am very
sadden over this out come. Its really a shame two people just can't work things
out and come to some kind of an agreement after so many years of Marriage.
I realize most Woman my age hitting 50 would have just stayed and its really what a lot of Men and Woman do even though they are not happy in their relationship, they just end up hating each other by the time they are in their 50s and 60s. I watched my Mom suffer for many years of being unhappy and lived out a very miserable existence of many fights and arguing, trust issues and finally to live alone because she could no longer take the pain she got free at the age of 65 and died shortly there after due to illness.
I lived with the fear of this same out come and though I did get free I still feel all the guilt and shame of a Divorce and feeling like I failed my two Boys some how by not sticking by their Father no matter what.
It is however my deepest belief the God wants all of us to be Happy... and we were not. We continued to grow apart over the last 8 years. All relationships/marriage take work on both parts, I am also to blame and maybe I could have done more, but at the time just did not know what else to do. The marriage ended many years ago, he has his own world and I was always sorta like his side kick, my life was my Children, Home and Animals. When we worked together we did have a Beautiful Relationship and Life please don't think I stayed for 30 years without being in Love because I was. Once we grew a part I threw myself in to many different Home Business ideas to fill the void, as things continued to fall apart I began to see more and more anger in him to the day I became fearful of my life and that of my Child, I knew my adult son would be fine but my younger son was suffering.
In a Religious Marriage you just seem to sit back and pray, wish and hope God will make it all better or you can just hang in there until he manages to fix it all. I struggled with forgiving the many hurting and painful things I had suffered over the years and though neither of us cheated it was still a lot of damage we both just could not seem to get past.
Finally on June 13, 2011 I was no longer able to handle the abuse and turmoil for myself or for my child and I filed for a divorce on my own. I ended up with my teenage son moving into a protected Woman and Children's Shelter for 4 Months before we moved into an apartment of our own. My soon to be Exhusband is still not excepting of the whole concept and idea of me leaving and wants me back home and refuses to pay support so its not easy being out of work for some 9 years in this economy. Its what eventually brought me to relying on God, Jesus, Universe and my Angels and Spirit Guides, learning how to Meditate, Manifest and stay focus on my future and yes I am writing a Blog about that too.
Its now May and I still suffer many tearful nights alone, and still miss my old life of being a Mom and taking care of my home and Animals and my Boys. I am however in a peaceful place where we can both sleep at night without someone roaming around in the dark watching us. There is too much damage at this point we both need to move on.
The lesson learned here is a Marriage is suppose to get better with time just like fine wine, not worse because one person believes this world is evil and its suppose to be difficult until God brings that final day of destruction. Coming out of that doom and gloom was one of the greatest hurtles of my life besides losing my 5 year old son to cancer. Our Marriage always got worse no matter how hard we tried. I am at a happier place though it will never be easy living my life out alone I am free from the demands and the controls and now I can make my own choices.
Its not easy and I do miss my old life and my older Son whom I got to see on a daily basis and now I rarely ever see at all, my Nephew how came to live with us, my Home, my Animals and being the Mom of the house, cooking all those big meals yes I do miss the life I had created and I will do it all again soon. I will learn to adjust and mentally be free of the scares for remaining in a bad relationship. I felt guilty I was teaching my Boys to throw in the towel but hey I gave it 30 years y'all and that is a dam long time. I think I showed my Boys to give it their all and after that... its all you can do.
Some times we have to say good bye to the life we thought we had.
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I realize most Woman my age hitting 50 would have just stayed and its really what a lot of Men and Woman do even though they are not happy in their relationship, they just end up hating each other by the time they are in their 50s and 60s. I watched my Mom suffer for many years of being unhappy and lived out a very miserable existence of many fights and arguing, trust issues and finally to live alone because she could no longer take the pain she got free at the age of 65 and died shortly there after due to illness.
I lived with the fear of this same out come and though I did get free I still feel all the guilt and shame of a Divorce and feeling like I failed my two Boys some how by not sticking by their Father no matter what.
It is however my deepest belief the God wants all of us to be Happy... and we were not. We continued to grow apart over the last 8 years. All relationships/marriage take work on both parts, I am also to blame and maybe I could have done more, but at the time just did not know what else to do. The marriage ended many years ago, he has his own world and I was always sorta like his side kick, my life was my Children, Home and Animals. When we worked together we did have a Beautiful Relationship and Life please don't think I stayed for 30 years without being in Love because I was. Once we grew a part I threw myself in to many different Home Business ideas to fill the void, as things continued to fall apart I began to see more and more anger in him to the day I became fearful of my life and that of my Child, I knew my adult son would be fine but my younger son was suffering.
In a Religious Marriage you just seem to sit back and pray, wish and hope God will make it all better or you can just hang in there until he manages to fix it all. I struggled with forgiving the many hurting and painful things I had suffered over the years and though neither of us cheated it was still a lot of damage we both just could not seem to get past.
Finally on June 13, 2011 I was no longer able to handle the abuse and turmoil for myself or for my child and I filed for a divorce on my own. I ended up with my teenage son moving into a protected Woman and Children's Shelter for 4 Months before we moved into an apartment of our own. My soon to be Exhusband is still not excepting of the whole concept and idea of me leaving and wants me back home and refuses to pay support so its not easy being out of work for some 9 years in this economy. Its what eventually brought me to relying on God, Jesus, Universe and my Angels and Spirit Guides, learning how to Meditate, Manifest and stay focus on my future and yes I am writing a Blog about that too.
Its now May and I still suffer many tearful nights alone, and still miss my old life of being a Mom and taking care of my home and Animals and my Boys. I am however in a peaceful place where we can both sleep at night without someone roaming around in the dark watching us. There is too much damage at this point we both need to move on.
The lesson learned here is a Marriage is suppose to get better with time just like fine wine, not worse because one person believes this world is evil and its suppose to be difficult until God brings that final day of destruction. Coming out of that doom and gloom was one of the greatest hurtles of my life besides losing my 5 year old son to cancer. Our Marriage always got worse no matter how hard we tried. I am at a happier place though it will never be easy living my life out alone I am free from the demands and the controls and now I can make my own choices.
Its not easy and I do miss my old life and my older Son whom I got to see on a daily basis and now I rarely ever see at all, my Nephew how came to live with us, my Home, my Animals and being the Mom of the house, cooking all those big meals yes I do miss the life I had created and I will do it all again soon. I will learn to adjust and mentally be free of the scares for remaining in a bad relationship. I felt guilty I was teaching my Boys to throw in the towel but hey I gave it 30 years y'all and that is a dam long time. I think I showed my Boys to give it their all and after that... its all you can do.
Some times we have to say good bye to the life we thought we had.
